1. Create hundreds of icons on the desktop, busy people don’t have time to use menus or arrange anything so it is easily located.
2. Be sure to always save executables to the desktop.
3. Don’t be bothered reading any documentation for the software that you run, after all, using any program should be intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.
4. Never flush your cache, you don’t have time for such things.
5. Never run antivirus software, it can’t possible catch everything so it is therefore quite useless. If you DO run antivirus software, Don’t be bothered with making sure that it is up to date, as a busy person you don’t have time to waste on such trivial things.
6. Always click on whatever anybody sends you via email, you don’t have time to be bothered to check anything.
7. Always back up your work to 1.44 meg floppies, they are MUCH more reliable than your hard drive, a cd image or a zip disk.
8. If you do use the Start Menu be sure to never sort it.
9. When using the Start Menu be sure to put everything under Programs so that when you need something you are forced to scroll though a large list everytime to find what you need.
10. Always take the default on dialog boxes, don’t bother reading the dialogs anyway as it is a waste of time.
11. At startup be sure to load as many programs as possible into the taskbar system tray. That way you can find things quickly when you need them.
12. Never defragment your drives. It takes time to do so and you don’t have the time for such things.
13. To save even more time be sure to tape your passwords to your monitor so that you can find them quickly when needed. Also, when choosing passwords be sure to pick obvious, easy to remember words. Better yet, use the same password for everything, thus reducing the need to remember anything.
14. Open as many windows as possible, don’t be afraid to run the system resources into the ground.
15. When shutting off the machine just power it down from the switch, you don’t have time to wait for it to shut down properly.
16. When the system boots and requires a ScanDisk to be run just cancel it, it is not needed and just takes more of your valuable time.
17. Be sure to save your work scattered all over the drive rather than in one place and forget where the work was saved.
18. Always pass on virus warnings to everybody in your address book without verifying them. Do the same thing with all SPAM and those messages that insist that you pass them along lest something terrible happen to you if you don’t.
19. Never save your work while you are working on it, Windows is a very stable OS and never freezes or locks up.
20. Periodically delete files that you don’t recognise from the drive. This is especially useful in C:/Windows and C:/Windows/System. This frees up space that is needlessly wasted on that which you don’t understand.
21. When sending out all those “helpful” virus warning messages be sure to use CC and include everyone in your address book, twice, just to make sure that they are warned.
22. Always smoke in while working on your machine. Be sure to blow the smoke into the disk drives.
23. Pour soda into the keyboard.
24. Leave magnetic media on top of monitors and near magnets.
25. Leave CDs out on the desktop, jewel cases take time to open.
26. Do NOT read BugTraq.
27. Never upgrade your software to handle security issues, it takes too long.
28. Never empty the Recycle Bin.
29. Turn your monitor’s brightness and contrast all the way up. You can see things much better that way.
30. Always uninstall software by deleting the folder from the drive. Using Add/Remove justs takes way too much of your valuable time.
31. Allow friends to load software on your drive that you have no knowledge about, especially sniffers and keystroke recorders.
32. Cram as many things as possible into the one single USB port, it is Universal, after all…
For those of you who would actually USE the above advice please be aware that it is humorous rather than technically accurate although it IS based on many observations of general computer use over the years…
